


for him.

by stmoritz



Category: Bandstand - Oberacker/Oberacker & Taylor
Genre: F/M, Like, M A J O R, M/M, Oops, So proceed at your own risk, also friendly reminder donny novitski is a flaming bisexual, also major spoilers for bandstand, also the title is from that troye sivan song that makes me cry tbh, and he was in love with michael, i just stole the title, im sorry i don't make the rules, julia and michael can't sleep so they write a song in michael's memory, so pure, so sweet, this is honestly very sad but the ending is happy and hopeful i promise, this isn't based off of that song tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 06:00:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14948909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stmoritz/pseuds/stmoritz
Summary: as the night dies and a new morning is born, julia and donny work through their grief by writing a song.





	for him.

the house was as quiet and still as the night outside as it lay dying. it was as quiet as the drying ink staining the clean, crisp pages of julia's notebook. it was as quiet as donny's calloused fingertips lightly brushing the dust off of the keys of his piano. 

 

if only their heads were as silent as their surroundings.

 

julia had never seen combat herself, but she had always felt grief was its own kind of combat. every time she remembered michael was gone, it felt like a bomb going off in her heart. it would decimate her emotionally, then it would shatter her skull and rattle her brain. then there were the echoes, dull and muffled, the pain beginning to fade ever so slightly. the world around her would begin to stabilize, silence falling. but before she could enjoy the peace, before she could even take another breath, another bomb would detonate, trapping her in a vicious cycle where she can't sleep and she can't hide. she stared blankly at the words she had just written, not even humming a potential melody for donny to use, or remembering michael in a dreamy, golden haze until she blinked and it all went away. she was completely silent, motionless, letting those bursts of sorrow assault her. she decided to take a deep breath, looking up at the bedroom door, trying to peer through the crack at the threshold. donny was just beyond there in the living room, playing his piano. she could only imagine the thoughts that must go through his head, the excruciating guilt that must linger in his mind. she looked over the words she had written again, words laden with grief and the painfully blissful memories of michael. her own handwriting looked alien to her, like a flowery maze with so many twists and turns it seemed like there wasn't a way to get out. the words meant nothing to her, even though her mind was the one who strung it all together like christmas lights. in an almost dream-like state, she rose from her writing desk. every step left the wood creaking, and every creak seemed as loud as the bombs in her head. she shuffled down the hallway, hearing the faint music of a piano snake into her eardrum.

 

donny tried to play as quietly as he could, thinking julia was still asleep. he often envied johnny not only for his lack of memory, but also for being able to release his emotions on the drums, where violence and passion are welcome. the piano was too gentle for him, sometimes. the keys could only go down so far, and the sound could only be played so harshly without sounding like cacophony, not music. his feelings, his memories, were anything but delicate. he remembered being 17, without an aching mind or aching bones, sending the soft notes smoothly into the heavy atmosphere of the local taverns with an innocent smile on his face. then, he could play the lightest airs and the sweetest ballads without a worry in the world. he could just bathe in the light and the glory his future seemed to shower him with. but the war, the combat, the heat and the rain, the agonizing pain, that fateful day with michael... it was a sheet of thunderclouds that blocked out the sun, but they refused to blow away into wisps of smoke. his skin was thickened, his mind was savagely torn apart and sloppily stitched back together. he wasn't the same boy he was before, and he didn't play the same way he once did, either. once darkness creeps in, it never truly goes away. it either becomes your shadow, lingering constantly behind you, or blankets you like the ephemeral night until the sun rises. even then, the shadow returns. he could go back to being 17 all he wanted, pretend none of this ever happened, but it did. the trauma would always trail behind him, and that showed in the way he played. there's an audible pain he never noticed before. he sighed, weaving his fingers through his hair and tugging lightly. then, he heard something creak. the noise startled him so much he was suddenly back at the solomon islands. he was seeing the thick veil of darkness surrounding him, eliminated only by the brief flashes from shells. he could feel the cold metal of the grenade in his hand slowly fade, then a thud next to his feet. he could hear the gunfire surrounding him and smell the burning powder. he could hear himself scream out to michael. he could feel his legs ache and scream as he ran. he could see that brief flash of blinding light again. he felt sheer panic when he realized his best friend wasn't right behind him. he could feel his heart pounding and almost breaking his ribs. he could feel a sudden, haunting chill slither down his spine like a snake. michael was still in the trench, right next to the grenade he had dropped. donny inhaled sharply, panic shooting from his brain to his tingling fingertips. he tried to block the memories of michael’s body, torn and obliterated beyond recognition. but he was frozen, listening to every creak and crack, the image of michael's shreds flashing repeatedly before his eyes like a demented motion picture.  _ my fault, my fault, my fault... _

 

"donny?" julia whispered softly, sleepily. 

 

he still couldn't move, and he could barely breathe. despite julia's sweet, floating voice, he was still stuck. he heard her call his name again, but didn't wake from his living nightmare until she placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. he looked up at her, still fear-stricken, and saw her face, tired, but etched with concern. she sat beside him on the piano bench, running her elegant fingers through his hair. she started humming a little, the melody starting to calm donny down.

 

_ welcome home, my boys; welcome home, my sons! welcome home, my husband; welcome home, my love! welcome home! _

 

"welcome home," donny managed to sing back weakly. “welcome home.”

 

julia placed her notebook in donny's hands. "i wrote this just now. shall we put it to music?"

 

donny nodded, trying to slow his mind down so he could read the words on the page. julia's cursive only started to make his head hurt.

 

he blinked repeatedly, rubbing at his eyes. "i was working on a melody earlier," he mumbled. "we can try it."

 

"let me hear it." julia replied, offering a comforting smile.

 

donny turned his attention to his piano, his happy place. his hands played a slow, heavy tune that still seemed to float and sway like a bird in flight. 

 

julia set her notebook on the stand above the keys, the lamplight illuminating the words on the page.

 

donny paused his playing for a moment, trying to read julia's handwriting. he couldn't play anymore after reading only a few words. he immediately knew michael was in these words, alive and smiling and laughing and breathing. donny's memories were so vivid, yet so distant. it felt like michael had died a thousand years ago, but the pain was as fresh as if he had just died yesterday. he was whole, with his head and alight, wide and clear eyes. not blown to bits, or a shower of blood and viscera raining down from high heaven. donny had cradled what remained of michael's body back, rocking madly back and forth and begging for him to be okay.  _ julia's still waiting for you. she loves you. you're my best friend, i need you.  _ donny could still feel the weight of michael's body sometimes, the heat of the puddles of his blood. he could feel that all again. he was much too weak now, and the weight, physically and paychologically, only seemed to get heavier and heavier. he gave in, falling into julia's arms. he buried his face in her chest, his sobs leaving his entire body shaking.

 

“i killed him,” donny wept. “he’s gone. it’s my fault.”

 

“it was an accident, you know that.” julia reasoned, starting to become emotional herself. “friendly fire. he doesn’t hate you. he’s not angry at you. how could he be? he loves you.”

 

“i know, it’s just…” donny sniffled. “he loves you more, doesn’t he? i took you away from him. i took  _ him _ away from  _ you _ . i had no right to do that. how could i? as soon as i dropped that grenade i ran like a coward. i screamed like a madman. i should've just grabbed michael, gotten him out of the way. maybe if i was just a good soldier, a good friend, it would’ve been me. michael would be here with you right now. where he belongs. not in the ground. that’s where  _ i _ belong. i don’t deserve to be with you, in michael’s place. i don’t deserve to be alive. i don’t deserve anything good i’ve gotten since i came home.”

 

“that’s not true,” julia insisted, firmly, but lovingly. “we’ll always miss michael. i don’t think either of us will truly get over it. but think about the band, donny. what would’ve happened to the rest of the boys if you never took a leap of faith and given them a chance to heal through their music? what if they had ended up like all of those other veterans who ended everything so they could escape the horrors they faced in the war? what if they had to spend the rest of their lives suffering because no one tried to help them? and what would’ve happened to me? i would’ve been lost in all of my grief, never knowing what really happened that day. i would’ve never found a way to take pride in the gold star they gave me. i probably wouldn’t ever sing another song outside church again. i’d probably never truly smile again. but  _ you’ve _ given all of us an opportunity to survive, even thrive. maybe michael could’ve done the same, but things happened not to work out that way. it’s not your fault michael’s dead, not truly. and think of all the lives you  _ did _ save. they’re your family now. right?”

 

donny’s tears had dried then, but his breaths still trembled. he took a deep breath, nodding. “right.” 

 

“you may not have been able to save michael, but you saved me. you saved nick and davy and jimmy and johnny and wayne. and you saved yourself. wherever michael is right now, i bet he’s unbelievably proud of you. he’s happy you made it home, and he’s proud of you for making such a difference in so many people’s lives. okay?”

 

donny liked that image. he smiled as he imagined michael’s beaming smile, his face clean, his eyes shining, his body without blemish. he heard michael’s voice, a sweet memory of down time well-spent despite the hell crashing around them.  _ you’re a gem, nova.  _ he had mused, chuckling.  _ a piece of work to be honest, but a diamond in the rough. _

 

“okay.” donny repeated, sitting up and smiling.

 

“shall we try the song again?” julia invited, giving him an encouraging smile.

 

“yeah.” donny nodded, taking another deep breath before playing the melody again. 

 

donny paused again, opening his mouth to sing julia’s lyrics. He resumed playing, starting to sing in his airy, delicate falsetto.

 

_ if i ever see the sea _

_ that comes between us _

_ i’ll remember to smell the breeze _

_ and keep my mind at ease _

_ still my mind will roll like the waves _

_ it’ll still feel all the shockwaves _

_ the same that took you away _

_ i wish an ocean was the only thing in my way _

 

_ darling, i am here _

_ in that golden field we held dear _

_ we were far from the crossfire _

_ alone with our purest desire _

_ darling, i will always be here _

_ and always imagining you near _

 

donny fought back the tears, biting his lip. julia’s words were gorgeous, simple. this was the pure feeling of always missing someone despite moving on and finding happiness. he couldn’t help but see himself in these lyrics, too. though he’d rather not admit it since he lost michael, he’s been successful since he came home. he’s fallen in love, found a new chosen family, developed a fruitful music career, gained a small army of fans, and was honestly improving as far as his mental health. yet still, almost every night, he crawls into bed with julia with that guilt still pressed on his mind. his shadow seemed darker than the night outside, always lingering. that shadow was lingering in this song.

 

_ if you look down at me _

_ and grief is all you see _

_ help me smile and laugh like i did _

_ when i was still just a kid _

_ and i knew i’d love you forever _

_ and i thought nothing could sever _

_ true love at its absolute brightest _

_ i wish that were true even in the slightest _

 

_ darling, i am here _

_ in that golden field we held dear _

_ we were far from the crossfire _

_ alone with our purest desire _

_ darling, i will always be here _

_ and always imagining you near _

 

julia rested her head on donny’s shoulder, smiling and humming along to the tune. donny smiled, too, planting a quick kiss on the top of her head before continuing to the bittersweet bridge he had been anticipating. he lifted his fingers off of the piano, letting his voice be the only sound that could be heard.

 

_ i’ve fallen in love again, my dear _

_ with someone i know you love, too _

_ sometimes it leaves my heart in fear _

_ but there’s room for the both of you _

 

donny took a breath, letting a single tear fall. he started playing again, and he could hear julia sing the final, crescendoing chorus with him.

 

_ still, darling, i am here _

_ in that golden field we held dear _

_ we were far from the crossfire _

_ alone with our purest desire _

_ darling, i will always be here _

_ and always imagining you near _

 

donny chuckled, rubbing at his tearful eyes. he was filled with love, for both julia and michael, but he also felt complete peace. he remembered michael without any sort of guilt attached to the memories. he could just  _ remember _ , and he could  _ smile _ . he felt the blood wash off of his hands, leaving them clean and still. they didn’t shake or tremble. his heart beat slowly, enjoying each moment it could still beat, but  _ joyfully _ . it beat loudly, proudly, like a drum in a triumphant march. he combed his fingers through julia’s hair, crying sweet tears of happiness. “thank you.” he grinned. “thank you so much. i honestly don’t know where i’d be right now if it weren’t for you and michael. thank you for giving me direction, love, both of you.”

 

now, it was julia’s turn to cry. she’d always heard about donny from the letters michael had sent her, but she never expected him to walk up to her doorstep because he  _ wanted _ to meet her, no matter how awkward their exchange may have been. she saw her late husband’s best friend fidget and refuse to meet her eye, refusing to talk about anything that happened while he was in combat. she saw a man, just as broken as she was, trying his best to fix himself as he re-enters a society that would never understand what he went through. she thought they were eerily similar. she felt a  _ connection _ to him. michael was almost like an abandoned bridge, crumbling as it tried to keep two places connected. in her mind, they were restoring him, his memory, his legacy. and in a way, they were repairing each other, too. 

 

remembering everything that happened from when they first met to this moment in time, julia can barely believe the journey they’ve gone through. they’ve been on the rough, winding road of recovery and healing. sometimes one of them would start straying from the path, or grow too tired and stop in their tracks to rest. but every time, they encouraged each other to keep going, to stay on the trail, moving forward arm in arm. right now, she hoped, they were almost at the end of the road, ecstatic to enjoy the view and beauty beyond it all. she was glad she could get donny here right now. there were too many nights where his ptsd would flare up, or he would feel more guilty about what happened with michael, and she wouldn’t know what to say. she felt useless, like she was condemning him to a life of suffering and pain. but these past fifteen minutes alone have helped donny by leaps and bounds. 

 

she felt like this helped her, too. hearing donny sing words she wrote and play a melody he concocted, a marriage of words and music, was how he kept her going and keep moving. she had someone to rely on, who felt the same grief she did, and they came together to broadcast their pain to anyone who would listen. every time she sang “welcome home” or “love will come and find me again,” the burden on her shoulders lifted a little. there were people listening who could relate to her, who shared her pain. and having donny playing behind, her love and her best friend, it was a special kind of healing, one she couldn’t put into words.

 

she was filled with love and peace, too, feeling the presence of the two most important men in her life, and knowing so many wounds and scars were healing in a burst of solace as warm and bright as the sun. she hadn’t been this happy since the day she married michael, and even though he was gone, she knew he was happy, too. she could only imagine how happy he must be seeing both her and donny heal and move on.

 

the two looked up at the window behind the piano, and they both smiled when they saw a gorgeous sunrise. they sat in comfortable silence, with julia’s head still resting on donny’s shoulder, holding hands.

 

there were pale yellows and blues, pink tendrils of thin and fluffy clouds, each color spreading slowly like trickles of water, then it all began to blend like a delicate, pastel watercolor painting. everything was soft and beautiful, like the bliss radiating from donny and julia, from the piano and their voices, from their song. a song cultivated from over two years of pain, guilt, confusion, depression, failing, and trying again despite feeling like it’ll all be a shot into the dark. a song forged in the quietest, hottest fires of memory and bittersweet nostalgia.

 

“this is a song,” julia whispered, as if she thought everything would shatter if she spoke any louder. “for us, and for him.”

 

donny smiled, then responded, just as quietly, “for us, and for him.”

**Author's Note:**

> i reallyyyy hope this turned out okay lol i worked so hard on this so pls let me know if you did like it bc i need and crave validation
> 
> also if you're interested i have a playlist i used to help me write this here's a link have a listen if you fancy  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/baileywithane/playlist/58mvGsfjcwGPBbba82sDhd?si=gsBC4i8VRnKBBM_61sYuyw
> 
> one more thing: if you like you can read my other stories or follow me on tumblr @fiftyfourbelow!! have a safe and blessed day y'all!


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